Jun 28, 2019 | Your Business, Your Relationships
When being ‘selfish’ is the best thing for you...
What’s your relationship with the word “selfish?”
I must admit that this word has been a hot button word throughout my life. It’s a quality that has triggered me frequently in relationships, it’s a quality I have resented at times, and it’s now a quality I have come to deeply appreciate both in myself and others.
Let me explain.
In my experience, when we don’t have an empowered relationship with ourselves, or when we don’t have a sense of who we are or what we need, we often default to getting our needs met by other people. We put other people first, we obtain our own happiness by taking care of other people.
This is how selfish and selfless people come to form relationships with another, platonic or romantic for that matter.
These types of relationships (where the selfless don’t stand up to the selfish) typically reach a breaking point at some point. It can create a dynamic in a relationship where resentments occur and fester.
It is often the factor that separates a codependent relationship from an interdependent one.
Sometimes being ‘selfish’ is the key to bringing that balance.
Do you need to be a little more selfish in your relationships?
If you’ve noticed that you don’t have an opinion or desire about what you’d like to do on the weekends, or where you’d like to eat. Take note.
- Derive your own happiness from making other people happy.
- Like being described as the mother hen, or the one who takes care of every one.
- Have a hard time deciding or saying what you want, and you’re frequently the one to “go with the flow.”
If you see yourself in any of the above, you too may be getting your needs met from someone else, rather than getting them met by yourself. These are some codependent patterns to look out for.
This used to be me. And what I came to realize is that while I thought I was being selfless, it was actually a form of manipulation.
What I used to consider as selfish, I know realize is ultimately personal empowerment.
Here are some things to look for the next time you’re feeling like your relationships are sticky and you view that person as being selfish.
- Start doing things on your own and discover what makes you happy.
- Start noticing where you feel like others are controlling you, and take your power back. (No one actually has control over you unless you give it to them.)
- Next time someone asks you what do you want to do or where do you want to eat, think about it and give them an answer!
- Next time you experience a resentment, consider that within each complaint or resentment there is simply a request to make.
- Next time you experience someone else as selfish, notice what there is for you to learn from them (both in a positive and a negative light).
When is the last time you allowed someone to tell you what to do and then blamed them for controlling you? Take back your agency girlfriend! Make choices for yourself.
All our choices have consequences. Learn to be ok with that vs choosing something else because of someone else’s desire. What happens when you please others instead of yourself is you then become resentful of those choices you made. Can you see the trap here?
It’s time to be a grown a** woman! Make choices for yourself and you will discover the freedom you desire. 💜🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️💜
That’s the difference between a boss and a leader!!
To unlocking your potential,
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Empathy for Change with Amy J. Wilson
I am so delighted and thrilled to have my esteemed friend, Amy J. Wilson here with us today. Amy is a change leader, community builder, movement maker, and an empathy advocate. She is the author of Empathy for Change: How to Build a More Understanding World, a guide to create positive, compassionate change where we work, live, and play. All of this guides our conversation as we cover the different types of empathy and why they are important, dismantling current power structures and rebuilding them with empathy at the core, prioritizing rest, and so much more. Being empathetic does not mean you lack power, and this episode is going to tell you why – enjoy!
Visit this episode’s show notes page here.