The Prosperous Empath's Edge: Transforming Giver Burnout to Breakthrough

Catherine A. Wood  00:01

Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. I’m over here just still reflecting on these past 100 nearly episodes of the podcast that we’ve recorded, and so proud of myself for being someone who, gosh, resists taking up tons of space. Doesn’t like being the center of attention. It’s still finding and claiming her voice. It has been such a growth edge for me to have reached this milestone of 100 episodes recorded, and we’re not there yet. This is, I think like episode 9798 somewhere right around there. But I’m just feeling so reflective of just the synergies and similar stories that I’ve heard and guests have shared time and time again on during our guest episodes on the show. And there’s a couple of topics that just feel super important. And like every guest has their own spin on their own experience with their own story of and there’s almost this, like this knowing nod when we get to Oh yeah, and here’s her version of this, and here’s their version of this, and here’s how he overcame it. And, and I really wanted to speak to some of those familiar topics, because they really just across the board, feel like breakthroughs that empaths need to overcome in order to prosper. And a couple of the topics that that I’m really speaking of are burnout boundaries and energy management. Burnout boundaries and energies like, I think if we were to search for, like top words said on the podcast after Empath and maybe prosperous, I think those would be perhaps the 323, of the top words that I think you’d find I repeat most often. Guests speak about most often. And I want to focus on burnout today and and I’m imagining this episode may be brief, which is, which is totally fine, but it is so worth talking about, because something I have so appreciated in just hearing the stories and the journeys of the some of our guests over the past two years is that their experience with burnout provided such an invaluable doorway to their success. And I’m sure we’re all familiar with that definition of insanity that says doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And I think that so often for an empath, when we reach that experience of burnout, and maybe it’s not the first time we experience burnout, but at some point we burn out and we realize, like, how much longer are we willing to practice and do and show up in the same way over and over again, expecting a different result? And so often times that burnout experience can create a no looking back, opportunity to break through, to turn a corner, to start a new chapter, and ultimately to pave the way for success. And I think that’s why I’ve just created such a such a beautiful, surrendered experience for myself, reaching burnout, but also being with clients when they’re in their moments of burnout or breakdown. Like as a coach, you know, we always say the breakdown supersedes the breakthrough, like you have to actually break down in order to break through. And for so many of our guests, for so many empaths, and maybe for you too, like burnout, can oftentimes create that doorway to break through and to thriving as a success as a to thriving as a empath. So I want to talk about this notion of giver burnout, because so often when I speak with clients and they’re experiencing burnout, I find that, um. Um, and actually guests have shared similar, similar threads of this, but I’ve actually noticed that there’s typically two versions of burnout that that myself, personally and many of the folks I speak with experience. And so those two flavors of burnout that I notice are most common is one the burnout that is the result of a well being breakdown. So for instance, you know, my first experience of burnout was when I lived in the Dominican Republic. This was well before I became a coach. I was, I finished my Peace Corps service. I was working on a USAID project in sustainable tourism, and I was a small grants manager, funding and overseeing the monitoring and implementation of eco tourism startup grants with community run businesses throughout the entire country of the DR and absolutely loving it. And I was also in a professional MBA program that required me to spend my entire weekend in school, and it was a lot. And what I remember is that my work was requiring a whole lot of travel, because we were in the the M and E, the monitoring and evaluation part of the grants, and I was visiting, doing lots of site projects and overseeing the safety and the how they were using the grant funds. And it was amazing. But I would often be on travel from Monday to Thursday, and then I’d come back on Friday, and I’d go right to school and was working, I don’t know, 5060, hour weeks for my day job, and then every other hour off of my nine to five I was I was studying and preparing for class and and I got to this place where I just had a complete well being breakdown, and I was diagnosed with bronchitis, and I was out of work for three weeks now, I did not learn my lesson that time. I typically tend to create, and tend to create and produce and kind of bursts of energy during different seasons. Like that’s kind of my my nature. I actually love creating and producing in multiple projects, multiple activities at the same time. And there’s a way in which I can do that, where I actually sustain my energy, versus don’t. And I did not sustain my energy during that, that experience, I think I was definitely on bed rest for for three weeks, but I didn’t learn my lesson. A couple years later, when I when I was just starting out as a coach, I it was really similar, you know, and I’ve shared about this in the podcast before, but I was still working full time as an economist at the government, and I was starting out in business as a coach, and I was really trying to meet some milestones and metrics so that I could leave my day job and jump into entrepreneurship full time. And, you know, I was there’s like that saying, like, when you’re nine to five becomes your five to nine. And I was certainly working around the clock and and, and honestly, loving it, like the the inspiration and the excitement and the fulfillment from my business was really fueling so many of my actions. And during that time, I also fell in love with my now husband, and so I had these like three massive commitments that I could have given, you know, all of my attention and heart to any single one of them, and I was managing all three at the same time, and it took me a couple of years, a couple of winters of getting just these repeated sinus infections and these cricks in my neck like those were oftentimes the two indicators for me that I was on the cusp of a well being breakdown. One winter, I got eight sinus infections that resulted in me going to the doctor every. Single time and getting prescribed an antibiotic, and just wrecking my nervous system. So it was either the sinus infection or I get these, like, cricks on the left side of my neck where I literally couldn’t turn my left, turn my neck to the left, and I’m, I’m like, touching my neck as I’m saying that right now, because I I just have this like visceral feeling of how that used to be when I literally, I couldn’t look left, like I’d have to turn both of my shoulders to the left in order for me to out to look at the person I was in a conversation with, because I couldn’t just turn my neck. And it took, you know, just one too many of those well being breakdowns, to finally learn my lesson and to really create a fundamental shift. I’m going to share with you a little bit about what that shift was in a little bit, but I want to speak to just the other type of giver burnout that I think many of us experience, because the first is definitely well being. It’s oftentimes really physical, you know, you really see it like it’s very easy to notice when you’re going to the doctor for the same ailment or having the same physical pain or migraine or backache or or or right, like we all have our flavor of well being breakdown that can either derail us or can provide and serve as As a lighthouse, right? Like, as, like a reminder. Oh, here I go again. Okay, so that’s the first type of giver burnout. I notice we experience or results in burnout. And then the second is a little more nuanced, and I think it’s oftentimes the consequence of a breakdown in relationship. Now, givers are naturally more susceptible to burnout than takers, which makes a lot of sense, right? Givers are oftentimes focused on other people. They have their eye towards what’s in service of other people, whereas takers are oftentimes much more self interested, self involved looking for their own interests, which naturally would make them less susceptible to burnout. But something I think we often forget is that opposites attract and that givers often attract takers in relationships, whether it’s business or romantic, and so often, that natural tendency to attract opposites is something that we can get taken advantage of in or or really derailed by or can result in, you know, business breakdowns or partnership breakdowns, and, oh man, my dog is snoring in the background. I hope you can’t hear Luna snoring, but she’s clearly relaxing. I um, which is great. Well, it’s awesome, right? We’re talking about burnout, and my pup is like taking a nap. What a good reminder. Yeah, so relationship, relationship breakdowns that result in burnout. So I think that when we as givers, create these same relationships over and over again, where we are giving more than we’re receiving, where we’re emotionally exhausted, where our energy is consistently drained, where we’re feeling resentful or resigned, or we feel like we’re in these, these lose win dynamics, right, where we feel like we’re giving and giving and giving and not receiving. It creates this setup, this setup of a lose win, where we have to lose at the expense of our partners winning, and it can be such a setup for burnout, it can result in businesses closing and partnerships ending and just becoming completely resentful and resigned, and we have to really be willing to again, come back to this definition of insanity and really take a look at how are we setting ourselves up to create these same dynamics in relationship over and over again and expect a different result? Cool. So I’ve shared a little bit about this on the podcast before, and I’m not going to dive into the details, but I have certainly been in those types of business partnerships and affiliations with groups before, where I just felt like I was giving so much more than I was receiving, and it was such an energy drain and exhausting and and there was this part of me that just kept wondering, like, oh, you know, maybe if I just give more, if I just help more, at some point, they will see my positive intentions or want to reciprocate, want to support me in return, and I think that was really the hard lesson for me, experiencing that relationship breakdown, is just noticing how I was setting myself up to be treated like a doormat rather than being proactive in in getting my needs met and ensuring that I was participating in these mutually receptive, mutually reciprocal relationships. Okay, so those are kind of the two versions of breakdowns that I notice typically result in givers burnout. And how do we, how do we learn our lesson, like, how do we actually learn the lesson from the burnout so that we can really prevent it and use it as a sign, a beacon, a lighthouse to practice something different versus fall down that predictable default pattern one more time. Now, here’s something I notice, when givers burn out, they typically try to give less. They typically try to, like, pull the reins back on how much time they’re giving or how much money they’re contributing, or how much they’re helping and serving and doing for other people. Now, I think there’s something really sad about that, because as givers like we thrive from giving. We love giving. We love to be of service and contribute and support. And I think that so oftentimes when we try to do the opposite of what wasn’t working, we we lose part of ourselves, and we just become embittered or resentful or or resigned about being ourselves versus really taking a look at Who do we need to be differently, and it’s oftentimes not just the opposite of what we were doing. And coming back to Adam Grant’s research and give and take, here’s what he has to says about here’s what he has to say about giver burnout, which I think is really fascinating. He says that overcoming giver burnout has less to do with the amount that we give and more to do with the amount of feedback that we receive and how present or connected we are With the impact of that giving meaning that we don’t burn out from giving too much time or energy or help. We burn out when a couple reasons, when we’re working with people in need, and we’re unable to help them effectively. So he gives this example of a teacher in Philly who was on the cusp of experiencing burnout, and he says that teachers are actually really susceptible to burnout because so often they don’t see the positive impact of their work quick enough. There’s a really slow lag rate to see the effectiveness of their efforts of giving. But moreover, when givers know how they’re giving is making a difference, a positive difference, or contributing, they’re oftentimes energized to give or contribute more. Now this is really fascinating for me, and I had this like profound AHA when I read this example in the book, because something about me that I just love is. I love, I mean, I love community. We all know this, but I love connecting people. I get such a natural high from introducing people who I feel should know one another, whether it’s business connections or potential collaboration partners or referrals, but it’s also personal, like when I think people should be friends, or whether I think they should do business together or collaborate or or have something in common, like, it’s just, there’s such a natural joy I get from making those making those intuitive connections. It’s probably one of the greatest reasons that I opened up our unbounded community to the public because I wanted to have a platform to make more of those connections and introductions more easily and also create that domino effect for that kind of positive intent and that positive energy to duplicate and and so, okay, so coming back to my aha. So that being said, I love making I love making referrals. You know, like when I started out in business, I I joined BNI, which is a referral generating networking organization, and I loved it. I loved making those connections between people who I thought would be natural fits for one another, and I was really good at it. And Since establishing myself and leaving BNI, you know, I’ve done that on a much more intimate and personal level by referring the people that I hire and partner with pretty routinely. And a couple years ago, I worked with this team. I worked with them for a couple of years, and loved them. They did great work, and so much so that I referred them multiple times to clients and colleagues and people in my network, and something that I noticed is that I never got a thank you. Now, I wasn’t necessarily looking for like a transactional Thank you. I didn’t need a referral gift or a commission or, you know, I wasn’t expecting anything, but I was certainly wanting some of the like positive feedback of that connection or introduction. You know, when we refer clients to people in our networks, like we’re essentially extending our trust to them. And so, you know, that’s like a high stakes introduction. It’s very meaningful to me. I don’t make referrals naturally, or I do make them naturally. I don’t make them without intention and and I don’t refer people whose values I don’t align with and who I’m not willing to stand up for the quality of their work, right? And so when I made these referrals, and I noticed that I never got I never got a thank you, like, I never got an email thanking me for the introduction, or I never got like a voice memo telling me how amazing this person was, that I already knew they were amazing, or how delighted they were to work with them, or how much it meant to them that I had, you know, passed on this person from my network to them like I realized that it Just felt, I felt taken advantage of and in reading this section on feedback, I realized that that’s why, like I never received any of the positive feedback from my giving efforts in making those referrals such that it it left me feeling taken advantage of and exhausted, and also a little drained in those relationships, so much so that eventually it contributed to my going different paths, because I realized that there was just a misalignment in the relationship. It felt a little one sided, and so that’s what I mean. When people don’t see the the the positive intent of their giving efforts, they’re energized to contribute less, and sometimes, as I was, we can also be energized to walk away. So having a sense of that energy, and whether you’re you’re energized by your giving efforts as a giver, or whether you’re drained by your giving efforts, is a really powerful and intuitive indicator of. Of whether you’re managing your energy effectively with your giving efforts, you and finally, for today’s episode, I want to leave you with one more gem from give and take. GRANT distinguishes one of the differences between the givers who successfully prevent burnout versus the givers who are susceptible to burnouts, susceptible to burnout, as those who are other ish versus selfless, so the other ish givers are those who give but are also mindful and aware of their own intentions, whereas selfless givers often give and give and give at the expense of themselves and their own best interests. So givers can be equally as ambitious as takers, which you know, I imagine you may relate with, because I certainly overly identify as ambitious. So we’re equally as ambitious as takers, but the difference is in how we manage that ambition, so we can give with an open heart and be responsible and attuned and aware of our own goals as well. Now for the selfless givers they this might feel selfish. This might feel like we’re being less altruistic or or self involved. But here’s the rub, because other ish givers are self aware and tuned in to their own goals and their own ambitions, we’re also more responsible for managing our energy in a way that it can be energizing, our giving can be energizing, rather than exhausting, and that very tendency to be more self to have more capacity to self regulate, ensures that we’re less susceptible to burnout because we have a better sense of ourselves, our needs and our boundaries and our giving builds up these reserves of happiness and meaning and fulfillment, because when we’re giving and we’re tuned into our own energy, And we’re tuned into our giving efforts that are energizing rather than exhausting. We’re continually building up reserves of that happiness and energy. So whereas on the outside, it may occur like we give less, maybe we have better boundaries around our time, or how how much we’re willing and able to be of support or contribute or give, or how much effort we’re willing to put into that introduction or connection. In the long run, we’re able to contribute more because we have a greater resiliency. We have more stores of energy saved up so that we are more internally resourced, and our efforts can be more long lasting and result in us contributing more in the long run. I hope this has been an effective and helpful conversation about giver burnout. I think it’s something that is so common across the board, and something that can so easily provide an an opportunity for breakthrough, an opportunity for starting down a really powerful new chapter. So. And it really requires learning how to give in ways that are energizing rather than exhausting, given ways that include your intentions versus allow your intentions to be taken advantage of and and I’ll leave you with this quote that I think really sums up, sums up this conversation about giver burnout, and it’s by Marcus Aurelius. He said, Some people, when they do someone a favor, are always looking for a chance to call it in, and some aren’t, but they’re still aware of it, still regarded as a debt. But others don’t even do that. They’re like a vine that produces grapes without looking for anything in return. After helping others, they just go on to something else. We should be like that, and I do I believe that. I think we should all be like those vines looking for how to continue growing and producing more grapes, and we all get to harvest the fruit. Thanks so much for tuning in. I’ll see you next week. You.