The Prosperous Empath's Edge: The Key Qualities of Givers and Takers in Leadership

Catherine A. Wood  00:00

Hello, hello. Welcome back to the prosperous empaths. Some context for today’s episode. Last month, we released a mini series called the prosperous empaths edge, and we released the first two episodes in a three part mini series all about the key strategies and tactics that distinguish between the empathpreneurs who succeed in business and the ones who don’t. And it was such a joy recording those first two episodes because the lessons feel so familiar and relevant. They’re ones that have been a deep part of my own journey over the past decade in business, and there are themes and topics that come up over and over again in conversations with clients, and in today’s episode, we’re gonna round out the third and final part of that mini series, And we’re gonna talk all about the key qualities that distinguish givers and takers in leadership, in business and in life, and I want to be really clear about some context for today’s conversation. I think it can be really easy to assume as an empath that to thrive as a giver is the right way or the best way to be in business, and that’s not my intention for today’s conversation, because as a as a giver myself, I think it’s really important to keep in mind that there Are such important lessons that we can learn from the takers in our lives and in who we partner with in business, and naturally, opposites attract. So as givers, we will tend to attract takers in our businesses, both in who we work with and who’s attracted to partner with us, and who we collaborate with and who we do business with, and that makes sense. It’s natural. I mean, I am sure if you’re tuning into this episode, you likely identify as an empath, and you may also identify as an introvert, and I can’t tell you how many introverts I know in my own life who have their own best extroverted friend, and I just think that it’s just an important reminder that Ian and Yang and opposites attract. And as givers, we need people to be open to receiving what we have to offer and what we so generously want to contribute and give to others. And as givers, we typically have a pre disposition to resist receiving. That’s often a mindset that we have to overcome, a breakthrough that we need to achieve on along our journey. And takers don’t often struggle in that area. They often have a predisposition to receive naturally and easefully. So that’s a key area where I think that as givers, we can all learn from the takers in our everyday lives. How can we how can we observe what’s being modeled for us and open ourselves up to receive in the way that takers so effortlessly and naturally do? So that’s some context I really want to just be super clear about for my intention in sharing today’s episode. I do not believe that givers do business the right way and takers do business in the wrong way. I think that both givers and takers, that we all have both positive and limiting aspects of how we operate in business and as we become more self aware, not only of our own tendencies and our own default habits and ways of engaging in business, but also what to look out for in the people that we typically tend to attract in business and in relationships. We can set ourselves up for creating mutually beneficial relationships. So I really do believe that in further distinguishing the qualities of ourselves as givers and the takers in in our everyday lives, that this can be super fundamental to the success and the resilience of empathpreneurs, and it can also support us in understanding the motivations and the impact of each reciprocity style as a giver and as a taker, while also. Also preventing burnout and helping us to manage and optimize our energy and time and boundaries, which are some of the themes that we talked about in the prior two episodes in this mini series. Finally, as empathpreneurs, I think some themes that we commonly experience in our business relationships are themes of resentment, resignation and feeling super attached, and as we become more aware of our own tendencies as givers, we can naturally protect them and take care of ourselves more so that we show up more fully resourced in our relationships, but it can also prevent some of these tendencies and predispositions to feel resentful, resigned and super attached, and overcoming these tendencies are just so fundamental in really thriving and and in achieving that experience of success as an empathpreneur. So with that, let’s jump in to today’s conversation. So you you with that, let’s jump into today’s conversation, and I want to start with what success looks like for a prosperous giver versus what success tends to look like for a taker. So for a prosperous giver, success looks like an empath who’s practiced in receiving help from others while maintaining a willingness to pay it back and pay it forward. So typically, when a giver wins, everyone wins, and it can create this, this cascading or this domino effect. And other people typically want givers to succeed, and they root for our success, because it can create this ripple effect where it enhances the success and the joy of others. Whereas a taker success oftenly, doesn’t feel like everyone’s winning. A taker’s success often feels like just the taker is winning. A taker is often solely focused for their own gain. They’re much more self reflective, self focused. And when a taker wins, it can oftentimes feel like someone else is losing, whether that’s true or not. So folks typically tend to envy successful takers, whereas folks typically celebrate successful givers. I think that’s really important. Okay, the second, the second, just the second way we can distinguish between some of the qualities of givers and takers is in the pronouns and the language that we use to talk about our success. So as givers, we tend to use first person plural pronouns like us and we where we get to have and we tend to have conversations that are larger than just ourselves, which I think makes sense, because we’re often so focused on giving and contributing and being of service, we’re often not just focused on our own success. So there tends to be this other and us focused perspective, whereas takers tend to use first person singular pronouns, like I, me, mine, my and myself, takers tend to be self focused. Now, I think givers can learn a lot from this, because sometimes it is really beneficial for us to become more practiced in looking through our own perspective and in really starting with what’s in service of us in and then looking at what’s in service of everyone else, but oftentimes we can look first at how this benefits everyone else, and it can oftentimes be at the expense of our own success. You. Wait. Haley, I want to I want to start. I want to re I want to start that second one over. The second distinction between the qualities of givers and takers is around our motivation. So as givers, we tend to have a motivation that’s based in being of service. In wait. Haley, I want to say that one again. I The second distinction between the qualities of givers and takers is in where our motivation lies. So as givers, we tend to be other and us focused. We’re also more likely to use first person plural pronouns, like us and we, we have a conversation that’s larger than just our own success, which I think makes a lot of sense, because we’re motivated by helping others, by being of service, by being A contribution. So we have this habit of putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and in understanding other people’s perspective, which I think is really beautiful, but takers, on the other hand, they tend to be self focused, so they’re more likely to use first person singular pronouns, like I, me, mine, my and myself, and they’re often overly focused on their own perspective, and simultaneously, they can find it difficult to discern how other people are reacting to their perspective and their ideas. Now I think that this is really helpful, because this is a really practical way to further deepen our own self awareness around the givers and the takers that we already have in our everyday lives, and that’s simply by listening to the language that they Use. Are they are we more focused in an I and me conversation, or are we more focused in us and we conversation? And oftentimes, givers and takers can learn a lot from one another by expanding their own tendency and their own default. So for me as a giver, oftentimes, it can be really supportive for me to look through the lens of I and me first. It’s not necessarily going to motivate my actions and dictate my intentions or my goals, but it is a really discerning place for me to start to just look at, you know, what’s in this for me, what am I committed to? And then I can have a greater conversation with myself and with others around what’s the overall focus? What’s in it for all of us, I music. So this next distinguisher, I think, is one of the reasons why so many coaches tend to be givers, and that’s because as givers, we’re inclined to see the potential in everyone else, because we have this predisposition to be trusting and optimistic about other people’s intentions, takers tend to place less trust in other people, as they often assume that others are takers like themselves, and this can result in takers holding relatively lower expectations for the potential of their peers and their subordinates. Now, I think this is really important, because we know that as we trust and extend our trust to and with others, that others naturally tend to be more trusting and more trustworthy. But if we tend to hold have lower expectations or harbor doubt or look for competition or reasons to question other people’s intentions, we we naturally attract those types of people to. Partner and collaborate with. So I think this is one of the reasons why givers make really effective leaders and really effective coaches, because as leaders, we tend to see the natural potential in our employees, in our colleagues, and as coaches and our clients and we also tend to call forth that potential and hold our clients and our colleagues and our employees to that potential, whereas takers might have a little more work to do around extending their capacity to trust, expanding their capacity to see the best in the people that they work with and in the teammates they collaborate with, and in the employees that they hire. This next one is a quality that I really appreciate about myself, and it’s also something that I have to be really responsible for and protect. And it’s this idea that as givers, we are naturally receptive to the expertise of other people, even if it challenges our own beliefs, or even if it challenges our own knowledge. So we are just naturally more open to being enrolled in other people’s expertise, in other people’s knowledge and other people’s mastery. And I think one of the consequences for this for me is that because I’m so naturally receptive to other people’s expertise, it can oftentimes make me more receptive to other people’s knowledge at the expense of my own. So this is something I’ve really had to just just become responsible for, that this is a tendency I have. It’s something that I really appreciate, and just because someone else’s expertise is louder or communicated in a more dominant style, which takers often do communicate in more dominant styles. That doesn’t mean that anyone else’s expertise or knowledge is more valuable than my own. Takers, on the other hand, often strive to be the smartest in the room, so they are less inclined to consider or be receptive to the expertise of others, and this can also be discerned in our communication styles. As givers, we tend to favor what Adam Grant calls a powerless communication style where we’re more inclined to express vulnerability, ask questions, talk in a style that’s more tentative, more advice seeking. And this can work for givers, but it can only work from a really authentic and transparent place. I think sometimes we can employ a powerless communication style as takers, because we know that it’s effective. But if it doesn’t feel authentic, then oftentimes we can tend to sense that in authenticity. So it’s really important that as both forgivers and takers, if you’re going to employ a powerless communication style to build rapport, to deepen relationship, that you use an approach that’s super authentic and transparent, rather than something that you know to work, whereas, like I mentioned before, takers naturally have a dominant communication style and tend to just naturally employ More control, more power, more authority and how they communicate and uh. Now here’s another distinction that I think is super interesting. Givers are are more willing to express vulnerability in their communication. And this is something I think that we. Naturally know, and you know, we do this because we’re genuinely interested in being of service and in helping others. We’re not trying to gain or assert power over other people. And one of the challenges of being more naturally inclined to be vulnerable is how do we express that vulnerability in a way that is authentic and human without making others feel um? And it’s a fine line between how can we express our own vulnerabilities in a way that’s relatable and human and approachable without it being seen as a weakness. And one of the key ways that givers can really thrive and succeed is when that vulnerability is communicated and when that vulnerability is communicated once a giver has already established competence, So once a giver has already established their own authority or area of expertise or competence, or created trust or mutual respect with their peers or the people that they lead, then that vulnerability is communicated from a place of deepening relationship and deepening connection, and also creating a deeper level of trust and rapport in the relationship. But if a giver leads with their own vulnerability before having established that authority, it can truly be seen as a weakness. And I think that this is really important, an important differentiator between the givers who succeed and the givers who don’t, because I’ve certainly fallen into this trap, and I think it is important that we do need to toot our own horn from time to time, that we do need to just share our expertise and our credentials and establish that authority before really just falling, falling on our own natural tendencies to be vulnerable and be open and um. And this is a really important one, because as givers, it really is a fine line between revealing our our vulnerability and the beautiful, heart centered aspects of our personalities, but doing so once we’ve already established confidence, when we once we’ve already established a rapport with our followers, with our colleagues and with the People that we partner with. Now takers have this predisposition to worry that revealing their weaknesses or that expressing vulnerability will compromise their own authority and dominance. So takers are consistently more unwilling or less inclined to be vulnerable. So I think that there’s just a beautiful synchronicity there between how givers and takers can learn from one another, whereas givers can learn, perhaps, to be a little less vulnerable until they have established that authority and takers can can learn how To be a bit more vulnerable and more open you. Here’s another helpful distinguishing. Here’s another helpful distinction. Between givers and takers in business as givers, here’s another helpful distinction between givers and takers. Givers have a natural predisposition to seek advice, to ask questions, to open themselves up, to receive support, collaboration, resource sharing, and this is a very helpful way for givers to exercise influence and build authority when they lack that authority, it encourages greater cooperation, and it can oftentimes result in creating win wins in business and in negotiations, whereas takers, um, whereas takers have a predisposition of ingratiating themselves to superiors or pressuring subordinates inside of their negotiation styles. So this can oftentimes result in Win loses in negotiation, simply because their voices are the louder ones in the room. And I think this is also a really important distinction between givers and takers and how they can How we can learn from the other negotiation style. Then next distinction is also one that I picked up from Adam Grant’s give and take, and it’s the language that he uses to distinguish between the empathpreneurs who succeed and successful and the ones who don’t. And he coins them as being other ish givers versus selfless givers. So here’s how he defines them. An other ish giver is someone who cares about benefiting others and being of service, but is also responsible for their own ambitious goals. And I think that this is really important. And I think we talked about this in one of the prior episodes in this series. Oftentimes, as empaths, we think that takers are more ambitious than us, or there’s kind of like this, this belief that, wait, I don’t like this. Haley, I’m going to start over. The next distinction is also one that I grabbed. The next distinction is also one that I picked up from Adam Grant’s book give and take, and it’s how he distinguishes between the givers who succeed and the ones who don’t. And he calls the givers who succeed other ish givers and the ones who don’t, selfless givers, and here’s how he defines them, other ish givers are those of us who care about benefiting others, who are super committed to being of service, but we’re also responsible for and to Our own ambitious goals. So we’re not we’re not operating blind to our own motivations or our own intentions. We’re generous and we’re supportive and following our own inclination to give, but also while keeping our own goals and our own ambitions in mind, whereas the selfless givers, who are the ones who don’t succeed, who tend to not succeed. Selfless givers are self sacrificing. Those are the givers who give and give and give and care about others, while being at the expense of themselves and their own goals. Now, I’m sure if you’re tuning into this podcast, you probably can identify with being an other ish giver and with being a selfless giver, and I think that this is a mindset shift that we all need to make on the journey to becoming a prosperous empath. And it’s truly shifting from being a selfless giver to becoming an other ish giver, to becoming the version of ourselves that gives open heartedly, that contributes from a fully resourced place, while also being fully responsible for our own intentions, our own goals and our own ambitions. And that does not mean that we’re selfish, because oftentimes our own ambitions and our own goals are mission oriented, and they are impact aligned, so they are greater than ourselves, but it does start with us becoming responsible for them, and really being willing to own what they are, to own what our goals are. And I think that for me, this has been something that has been just really supportive on my own journey in business, that I get to I get to fully communicate what my goals are like, I get to become authentic around what I want and what I’m committed to, and what success looks like for me. Because in doing so, it creates those, those win wins. It creates those, those negotiations we were talking about earlier, that result in that result in those mutually reciprocal i that result in those mutually reciprocal outcomes, which is, I know something we’re super committed to here. So whereas the successful givers are known as other ish givers, takers tend to be more selfish. Takers tend to be more motivated by their own ambitions, and tend to be more motivated by their own self serving purposes. Now I think that this is hits really close to home for me, because I used to partner with lots of folks who, who I identified as selfish, and this was also, this was frequently a challenging, wait, Haley, I’m taking that back. So where is the selfish? Where the successful givers are called other ish givers, takers are more inclined to be selfish, more inclined to be motivated by their own ambitions, their own goals, and they also tend to be for self serving purposes. So I’m not gonna lie. I think that there’s probably I here’s the rub. I think most empaths, most givers, would benefit from becoming just a tad more selfish in their own lives and in their own businesses, and I think that takers would benefit from becoming a bit more other focused. So I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to be selfish, and I think that many givers have a really negative relationship to that word, and they really have this kind of knee jerk reaction to feel like we don’t get to be selfish, or that’s wrong or bad. And I really want to invite you, if you find yourself falling into that category, to really look at like, what’s actually in it for you to become a little more selfish, like, how could you being selfish and being a bit more motivated by your own ambitions actually create a win? Win. I think that. Um, and it may even start with just really looking through the lens of what does healthy selfishness look like to you? Because I think that’s really helped me transform my own relationship to to that word, to that term, over. Years, which I think is, which is one that empaths and givers struggle with, inherently, i All right, and there’s two more distinctions between givers and takers that I want to cover in this episode. So the the next one is one that I am chuckling about, because I can safely say I’ve had this conversation with every single one of my private clients over the years, and it’s just this idea that as givers, we tend to be more susceptible to the doormat effect. We tend to be taken advantage of and treated like a doormat and open ourselves up to being treated like a doormat, right? Like this is not something that just happens to us. This is something that we welcome, that we make ourselves available for. And here’s why, it’s because we tend to assume that everyone’s trustworthy, and it’s because we tend to see the best in everyone, and because we have this pre inclination to assume everyone is worthy and deserving of our trust, we tend to be taken advantage of. Takers are less susceptible naturally to the doormat effect, because takers tend to assume that others are like them. So how can we overcome this? How can we become less susceptible to the doormat effect? And this is the, actually, the final takeaway that I want to leave you with today. And it’s this, and it’s this insight that, in reality, as givers, we actually tend to be more accurate judges of other people. We have this instinctive advantage in relationship, in that we can sense the intentions and sense the natural we can sense the intentions of the people that we’re in relationship with, so We can actually become less susceptible to the doormat effect by trusting more deeply our own inherent nature as screeners of other people’s intentions and objectives. With us now, the rub is that for many of us as givers, it actually takes, here’s the rub, in order for givers to trust their own innate ability to sincerity screen. It oftentimes result. It oftentimes results in here’s the rub, in order for successful givers to trust their own inherent gifts as being accurate judges of other people and of other people’s intentions. It oftentimes results in us being taken advantage of first. It’s oftentimes a learned lesson when we need to put up our guard and when we need to adjust our behaviors or our generosity through prior or learned experience. So I think that this is just a really, just an important thing to know about that not if, but when we are treated like a doormat, or when our natural guard goes up, or we inherently sense that there’s a reason to question someone else’s objectives or someone else’s intentions in partnering or collaborating with us, that there’s probably a reason why this is a really effective and learned practice and how we can trust our own intuition more. And it might even start with just getting curious about that natural response or that natural reaction of when you felt like this before, or of when your own people. When your own internal sense of protectiveness or desire to withdraw or do uh, to withdraw or even to put up your guard, and what that intuitive or felt sense might be trying to tell you, this may actually be, uh, part of your own gift to sincerity screen and something that you can trust through practice and through a willingness to tune in, takers, on the other hand, tend to be much less accurate judges of other people, because naturally, they’re less attuned. They’re less naturally gifted at sensing other people and sensing other people’s intentions. I hope that you’ve enjoyed today’s conversation. I think this one is just filled with so many helpful nuggets and important reminders about how givers and takers can both learn more deeply about themselves and learn from one another. If you found today’s episode helpful, I would love to hear from you, come respond. If you found today’s episode helpful, come and join us in our private community over@unboundedmastermind.com and let us know what your favorite takeaway was from today’s episode. Thanks so much for tuning in, and we’ll see you next week. Bye.